Six Signs You've Found the Right Therapist.

Finding a therapist isn’t easy. Someone who is a great fit for one of your friends may not be right for you, and vice versa. 

I remember when I went to therapy for the first time. It was a requirement for my grad school program, and honestly. I just went with the cheapest one who had the quickest availability. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I began to regret my decision.

My second time doing therapy, I was much further into my program, and I knew exactly what I was looking for in a therapist. While this did make my search SIGNIFICANTLY harder, I can honestly say it was so worth it. It’s been years now since working with her, but I know when the time comes for me to start therapy again, she will be the person I go to.

The difficulty I experienced while trying to find my second therapist has always stuck with me. At that time, I was at a point where I had much more access to other therapists, and I still had a hard time. It made me realize that if it was hard for me, it must be even harder for people who are just getting started on their therapy journey. 

It’s important to be selective with your therapist. This person is going to learn intimate details about your life and see you more often than you may see some of your friends and family members. You want to make sure you have the right fit, because I’ll be honest, therapy is not the most fun thing in the world. Imagine how much worse it would be if you’re doing it with someone who isn’t right for you.

I’ll be honest: Many people have misconceptions about what a “good therapist” looks like. Some say things like “They should fix me" or “I’ll  feel better right away." Neither one of these is true. Therapy takes a lot of work on your end, and the amount of time you’re in it can vary from person to person. If you want to know what really which therapist is right for you, keep reading below!

1. You feel safe sharing with them.

What do I mean by feeling safe? 

Emotional safety means being able to be yourself, be vulnerable, and be accepted. It’s a sense of security knowing that you don’t have to be alert or on edge when in conversation with someone.

A safe therapist is someone you don’t feel judged by.  It’s okay for them to have questions about what you’re telling them. However, you shouldn’t feel belittled or less than by them when you’re sharing your story. There’s no such thing as too much information or oversharing in therapy. The amount you share is up to you, but you shouldn’t feel like you need to limit yourself because of the way that they react.

Depending on your experiences and relationships with others, it may take some time for you to feel this level of safety. That’s completely okay, and to be expected, but here are some things you can ask yourself as a check-in.

Does it seem like your therapist gets stiff or standoffish when you bring up certain topics? 

After I share something vulnerable, do I feel relieved or regretful?

Do I feel calm, or am I often on edge or overthinking after our conversations?

What does my body feel like during and after our interactions—tight? relaxed? Tense?

Do you feel like you can trust your therapist and tell them everything?

Pay attention to your answers. If you’re happy with them, then you’re on the right track.

2. You feel like you can connect with them.

Your therapist isn’t your friend, but there still needs to be a good sense of connection between the two of you. Do you have things in common? Can you relate to them? Is there a good flow between the two of you? They don’t need to be a perfect match. But a good rapport with your therapist is vital to the process.

This is especially true for Black women. So often in our lives, we get dismissed and intentionally misunderstood. We do not want this to be the case in the therapy sessions that we pay for! If you're constantly having to explain your experiences or justify what you’ve been through to your therapist, they aren't the right one for you. Everyone's story is different, so there may be times you have to give a little more detail about something. But if you’re spending time trying to convince them to believe your lived experiences, run.

3. When they explain clinical things to you, you don't feel like you're being talked down to.

Therapists are clinically trained to help you. Oftentimes, they’ll teach you clinical terms for the things you’re experiencing. This is called psychoeducation. When they’re explaining things to you, you want to make sure they’re doing so in a way that you understand and makes sense to you. When I‘m explaining things to my clients, I like to use examples or imagery. I find that it helps things stick better when you can picture them in your mind.

Take time to think about your learning style. Do you need repetition? Visuals? Examples? Think about it and try communicating with your therapist. They may not get it right every time, which is okay, but you don’t want to walk away from a conversation feeling stupid. When you let them know you don’t understand something, pay attention to how they respond. Give them a chance to try something different, but if this is a recurring problem, you definitely should consider seeing someone else.

4. You don't feel attacked when they challenge you.

Your therapist will challenge you at times. If the things you tried in the past worked all the time, you would be able to do everything yourself. But that isn’t the case. Your therapist will point out blind spots, misconceptions, or flat-out incorrect lines of thinking.

The right therapist will be able to do it in a way that highlights that what you’re doing isn't aligned with what you said you wanted for yourself. And they’re also doing so in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack on your character.

It will make you feel uncomfortable at times or attacked initially, but the feeling of being attacked shouldn't be consistent. You may not always agree with your therapist, and I know I’ve gotten my fair share of side eyes from clients, but you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to do it their way. Or that your self-worth has been harshly assaulted.

Think of it this way: healing and growth often come with some form of disruption. Whether you have to take some nasty medicine or try something over and over until you get it right, it can be uncomfortable. You can’t expect not to make any adjustments to the way you do things and still get better.

It’s the same way for therapy. You should expect to be given feedback and adjustments. It’s part of the healing cycle. The discomfort is okay, disrespect or vitriol isn't. Their approach matters. If you’re walking away from therapy constantly feeling like you’re being attacked, something may need to change.

5. When you let them know they've upset you, they handle it well.

If your therapist does say something that upsets you, how do they handle it when you let them know? Are they overly defensive and play the “I know best” card? Or do they explain their reasoning, and give you the sense that what they said was well-intentioned? Therapists are human too, and sometimes what they say will miss the mark. 

Do you feel like you can tell your therapist, “I don’t like how that session went” or “That didn’t feel helpful”? If you’re in therapy to work on communication skills, this may be a little tricky. But therapy is supposed to be the best place to practice! Their response should model what healthy communication looks like! Just because it feels awkward doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

When you address hard things with your therapist, it should leave you feeling better and not worse.

6. They're able to work with what you're coming in for.

A therapist can’t specialize in everything. If a therapist doesn’t fully know how to work with what you’re coming in for, they should 

1. Be willing to do research, supervision, or extra training.

or 

2. Refer you to someone who does have the necessary training. 

Which option they choose is up to them, but they should be upfront in letting you know if they can meet your needs.

Don’t be afraid to be specific and vocal with your needs. Sometimes a therapist may say there are other steps that need to be addressed first in order not to overwhelm or interrupt the process, but that’s different from them not being able to work with your concerns.

What to Do If You’re Still Not Sure Yet

- Talk it out with your therapist and let them know some of your concerns!

- Consider a consultation with another provider!

- Use directories like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today.

- Spend a few sessions with your therapist (unless there are clear red flags).

If you haven't found a therapist that meets these criteria, keep looking! 

It doesn't mean you're broken or that therapy isn't right for you. We are all human and can’t be everything to everyone. Yet, there are some things to definitely keep in mind as you are on your healing journey.

Are you a Florida Resident in need of a therapist? I have availability! Learn about my therapy services on my practice site, Mindful Blooms Counseling, to see if we’d be a good fit for each other!

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