The Loneliness of Being a Cycle Breaker

Being the first in your family or friend group to break away from old habits isn’t easy.

Maybe you’re the first one to move out of your hometown. Perhaps you’re learning how to say no to more people and things. Maybe you’re making a significant lifestyle change that is very different from the expectations of those around you.

Our reasoning may differ from person to person, but there are a few things that almost all of us will experience. Judgment, Gossip, and Ostracization. And it can be very lonely.

What is a Cycle Breaker?

Before we get deeper into some of the unexpected realities, let’s start with the basics. What is a cycle breaker?

A cycle breaker is someone who has recognized unhealthy or unwanted behaviors inside themselves and their family or a particular group that they identify with. These behaviors are often a result of generational trauma. It can look like substance abuse, unhealthy relationship patterns, poor decision-making skills, and so much more.

You may have heard people say things like “everyone in that family ends up the same way” or “yup, he’s gonna end up just like his Daddy.” Or if you’ve been in any Christian spaces, you may have heard people talking about “the sins of the father” impacting generations to come. The idea that our ancestors can impact us has been around for years. Some researchers believe that trauma can be passed down over four generations.

It’s no secret that we can be impacted by the people who’ve come before, but a cycle breaker is someone who decides that these patterns end with them. 

It might start off small with questions about why you do certain things and whether they’re actually beneficial. Then it can manifest into you looking deeper into yourself and realizing that there are some things you would like to do differently, not only for yourself, but for generations to come after you.

The Three Unexpected Realities of Being a Cycle Breaker

Let’s dive deeper into some of the loneliness that can come with being a cycle breaker. Unfortunately, push back often comes when you decide to go against the grain. It can get kind of lonely. Hopefully, this list will help you be a little more prepared for some of the less obvious effects of being a cycle breaker.

Judgement

It is very likely that someone will share with you that the decision you’ve made is a bad idea. This person may not even be that close to you, but still feels like their opinion on your life is worth being shared. If people don’t come up to you directly, you may receive some passive-aggressive comments, or more people staring at you than usual.

It can be easy for this to make you feel self-conscious, but it’s not worth your time or energy. They aren’t the ones who have to live with the decisions that you make for yourself. You are. This doesn’t mean that every choice you make will be perfect, but it does mean you don’t need to go making any changes because someone else turned their nose up at it.

Gossip

If you still talk to a few people from your past, you may hear some stories about yourself that you didn’t even know! We know how easily stories can get twisted when there’s an unreliable source sharing information or adding details that may not even be true.

There will be times when it hurts to hear some of the things people you once trusted have been saying about you. Your feelings in those moments are valid. But their words speak so much more about their character than yours. If others want to waste their time spreading rumors or talking about business that isn’t theirs to keep, let them.

Ostracization

Being ostracized is typically the most public result of being a cycle breaker. Depending on what circumstances you’re changing, you may find yourself no longer welcome in certain spaces. You may not get invites to things you’ve attended for years. Even see pictures of a big family event that you didn’t know was happening.

This is often when the loneliness starts to hit the hardest. It’s okay if part of you misses the way things used to be. You’re human! But be careful not to let these feelings of loneliness bring you back into the cycles that you’ve been working so hard to break.

Is It Worth It?

All of this can lead you to wonder whether you made the right decision. About how much “easier” life would be if you just went with the flow. At times, your head may be saying you did the right thing, but your heart will likely feel pretty heavy.

I’ll be honest, being a cycle breaker is in no way easy, but in the end, it is worth it.

Benefits of Being a Cycle Breaker

Healing for Yourself

So often, I see women letting themselves continue to suffer because they're so focused on other people and their needs. Put yourself first! You deserve to rest. To be treated with respect. To not feel exhausted and run down all the time.

Breaking cycles means you can have the space to improve your mental health and increase your confidence. You’ll get to learn who you are and what you want out of life. That’s something that no one can take away from you.

Better Relationships

We show others how they can and can’t treat us. When you’re not willing to tolerate certain things, it opens you up to receiving people and relationships that will get the message. You’ll start to find yourself in spaces where you don't have to fight for people to see your value. The quality of these connections will feel so much more genuine because there will be a deeper level of authenticity and realness, because you’ll be able to be your full self.

Creating a New Legacy

Whether you decide to have kids of your own or don’t, you can still leave a legacy for others. You never know who’s watching you and looking up to you! You can be an inspiration to others in the way you move. I personally think there’s so much power in getting to leave your world better than you found it. Even if it’s only in the life of one person, you have the power to leave an impact.

Ways to Navigate the Loneliness

If you are going through this process, try to connect with others who may be similar to you. Start small with Facebook groups or Reddit Boards. Then work your way up to in-person hangouts. Be sure to pay attention to how you feel after an interaction with someone. Do you feel drained or inauthentic? Look for the ones you can feel safe with.

Initially, you may find it easier to befriend people who are like the ones you left behind. Be careful of this. Just because it is familiar does not mean it is safe. And just because it’s difficult, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Remember your “why” for making the change, and create a family that encourages and uplifts you in your journey. This journey isn’t one size fits all and there will be times that the loneliness comes in waves. It is even more important to make sure you have some solid coping skills for the moments when things feel extra heavy. Steps like this can help you not feel so alone. It’s a reminder that others have been in similar situations and come out on the other side better. 

The Beauty in Loneliness

As wild as this might seem to read, there is a kind of beauty that can be found when you’re experiencing loneliness. It’s almost like a temp check. If navigated well, it can be a chance to re-evaluate pieces of your life and make adjustments when needed. 

It’s also a chance for you to get to know yourself better. We want to get ourselves to a place where we can enjoy our own company and not feel the need to constantly surround ourselves with other people. 

Use these seasons as a chance to check in with yourself and decide if you like what you see.

A reminder that if it's possible for them, it can be possible for you too.

It Is Worth It

Part of you knows that a change needed to happen. Keeping things the way they were before wasn’t working out for you. You were meant for a different path, and you can put in the work to get there. 

Despite the loneliness, the judgement, the gossip, or the ostracization. It’s worth it. Better, and more freeing things are ahead of you. It won’t happen overnight, but nothing that’s sustainable ever does. Every step you take or decision you make puts you closer to the freedom you’ve been envisioning. 

Now that you’re aware of some of the things that may pop up on this journey, don’t be afraid to take the first step. If you’re wanting a therapist to help you along the way, check out my blog to learn some signs of what to look for when picking a therapist.